The Prodigal Returns

Well, almost one year later and one year wiser….ok, maybe just one year later. I debated not coming back to this blog fearing how ridiculous I would look, but then I figured, what do I have to lose? So, like the humble prodigal, I am back.

The parable of the prodigal son is actually one of my favorite parables. We all know the story: A younger son gets his inheritance and promptly squanders it. Then after struggling and starving returns to beg forgiveness. The father not only forgives but celebrates his return with a huge party. The older “faithful” son returns and is angry that he had never been honored in such a way and refuses to welcome his brother.

We all have had experiences when we, like the prodigal son, make foolish mistakes or squander our God-given gifts. We all have felt the sorrow and regret that inevitably follows such choices. But I think many of us are, at times, like the older brother without even realizing it.

Imagine the scene: after putting in a full day of honest work, as he always did, he returns to see his foolish younger brother- who brought so much shame upon himself- dressed in a fine robe and feasting on the fatted calf with his father. A little irritation would be understandable, but the older brother’s mistake was not in this irritation, it was the fact that he made a judgment without understanding the totality of what had occurred.

He hadn’t seen his younger brother suffer for his mistakes. He hadn’t seen him starve. He hadn’t seen the sorrow and shame as he worked as a servant feeding pigs. He wasn’t there when the prodigal humbly begged their father to forgive him and to let him return, not as a son, but as a servant. He had seen none of this. He saw only the fine robe and fatted calf and, felt justified in his anger and judgment.

When we see something we deem unfair, or see someone making choices we think are wrong and feel justified in our judgment or anger, we forget that we only see part of the story.

Only one person sees and understands all. He knows our weaknesses. He has seen every struggle we have passed through, every triumph, and every tear. He knows how our life experiences have shaped us for the good and bad. Even those closest to us only see part of all that is in our heart. Therefore, He is the only person qualified to make any judgment. And, like the father in the parable, He will always lovingly welcome us back, full of pure understanding, anytime we return to Him. I have experienced this in my life and I can tell you there is nothing sweeter.

When Storm Clouds Gather

You know the phrase, "one step forward, two steps back?" Well, in regards to my blog, it has been more like one step forward, a couple of epic tumbles backward. Shortly after my last entry, my family took a vacation and when we got home I simply could not get back momentum. And as hard as I tried, it seemed like everything was standing in my way of meeting my goals. Almost like I was being tested or something.

That got me wondering: how often are the difficulties we experience, tests sent from God? And, how often are they merely the result of our choices or, more simply, just the way life is?

I used to imagine that it works something like in the movie, Clash of the Titans (the 1981 version.) In the movie, Zeus has little clay figures of all people. He places them in a miniature arena when he wants something to happen to them on earth and all the gods stand around and watch the results.

While that kind of thing (minus the clay figures) may happen occasionally, I believe that God isn't interested in placing challenges in our lives just to "see what we will do," rather he is more often there to support us through the natural tests of life. When you mix human nature and the individual agency of billions of people, challenges are bound to present themselves without much need for divine orchestration. So, he taught us what we need to do to succeed and then lets us figure things out for ourselves. That said, I certainly believe there are times that specific things happen which are meant for us, to teach us certain lessons. However, getting hung up trying to figure out whether any given trial was sent from God or not is counterproductive.

Take, for example, a story in 1 Nephi 16. Lehi and his family are continuing their travels when Nephi’s hunting bow breaks. The family is extremely distraught. Without it they are unable to hunt and begin to suffer from the lack of food. Once again, we see two very different ways of handling a crisis. Laman and Lemuel immediately begin to complain against God[1]. They start to doubt the whole point of their journey. Even Lehi, who had the miraculous vision which brought them there in the first place, begins to murmur against God[2]. Getting hung up on why God was testing them doesn’t do much to fix the problem. Nephi, on the other hand, shows us a perfect example of what to do. He gathers materials and-wait for it- makes a new bow![3] The Lord guides him to food and the family is saved. It seems so simple, yet I know all too well how difficult that can be to do. When we are suffering we want answers, we want a reason for what is happening, maybe we just want to grieve. I think that's ok, as long as we can pick ourselves up again and turn to God. Because regardless of the reasons behind our challenges, he will always be there when we need him.

The nature of life is such that at times we will struggle, suffer, or fail. When those storm clouds gather, and we are tempted to wonder why or if, a better approach is to simply focus on how to move forward and trust that God will be there to help us.

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[1] 1 Nephi 16:20, 22

[2] 1 Nephi 16:25

[3] 1 Nephi 16:23

The Laman Syndrome

Daily Scripture Challenge

Day One: 1 Nephi, Chapters 1-4

I am not sure what it means, but when I read books or watch movies, I often find myself fascinated with the villain. Even as a child, there was something curiously likable about Captain Hook, the White Witch, Darth Vader-is that normal, or should I be worried?

As I have gotten older, that attraction has turned into understanding. Not that I relate to destroying planets or wreaking havoc, but -in a really well written villain- there is humanity hidden somewhere. In my favorite villains, you can see hints of how a perfectly normal person, when driven by revenge or pain or vanity, transforms into a villain. This decline into evil is seen in real-life “villains” as well, though they never have the charm of the made-up ones.  In the early chapters of the Book of Mormon we meet one such person: Laman.

Life must have been good for Laman, the scriptures mention land, gold, silver, and precious things that the family owned[1].  And then, seemingly out of the blue, they have to leave all that behind and go live in the wilderness because their father, Lehi, was told to do so in a dream. Naturally, Laman and his brother Lemuel are none too pleased.  I can’t say I would feel much differently. The problem is that Laman refuses to figure out for himself if his father’s dream was from God or not. Without that conviction, how could he see it as anything but giving up his life to follow the “foolish imaginations”[2] of his father?  It is as the verse says, “And they did murmur because they knew not the dealings of the God who had created them.” [3]

Not long after they leave Jerusalem, Lehi has another dream asking his sons to return to retrieve some geological records from a wealthy and powerful man, Laban. Everything that could go wrong, does. Yet at the same time, the brothers are given heavenly aide and are able to obtain the records.  But even angelic visitations[4], don’t quite seem enough to convince Laman that his father is lead by God.

How often is this true for us? If we sincerely want to follow God, there will be difficult choices we will have to make. We may have to sacrifice things that seem important. We may not understand everything at once. But if we, like Laman, refuse to seek guidance and confirmation from God, we may not only deny ourselves the peace that only God can give[5], but our lack of faith may lead us to sin. In Laman’s case, his complaining turns to violence, then disobedience and finally a division in which he cuts his family off from their faith all together and (spoiler alert) it results in war and death between the two groups for generations.  Imagine if Laman had humbled himself and searched for truth. How different could his life had been? Or his children’s lives?

What things are there in our lives that cause us to stumble on our path?

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[1] 1 Nephi 2:4

[2] 1 Nephi 2:11

[3] 1 Nephi 2:12

[4]  1 Nephi 3:29

[5]  John 14:27

Wilderness Wandering and A Challenge!

I have been reading a children’s Old Testament with my kids at night. They are really quite into it, which makes me happy, though it has led to some pretty interesting evening discussions –“he did what to Goliath’s head?”

As we were reading the story of the Israelites in the wilderness, I couldn't help but notice some disturbing parallels to my life. There the Israelites are: finally free from captivity, heading for a promised land, given manna from heaven, guided day and night by God, and what do they do? A whole lot of complaining and messing up.

It’s kind of unbelievable how many times they wish they were back in Egypt! Really? You mean the place where you were poorly treated slaves? So, because of their unbelief and disobedience, they have to wander in the wilderness for 40 years. It is easy to wonder why they had such a hard time being grateful and following simple instructions.

But when I really thought about it, I am not much different. I have been very blessed in my life in every way. Yet, lately, it feels like I have been spiritually “wandering in the wilderness.” And, like the Israelites, it’s due to my unbelief. When I say “unbelief,” I don’t mean that I don’t believe. My belief in God is solid, but if I am totally honest with myself, I have become a little lazy in actively seeking to be close to Him. 

I have found it difficult to read my scriptures with consistency, and have done more than my fair share of complaining. I believe that it is possible to feel God’s guidance and peace in life. I have felt it before. And one of the surest ways to do this is through daily, meaningful scripture study and prayer.

All of these thoughts led me to decide to start a new challenge; I am going to read my scriptures every day for at least 30 minutes. I will blog about it as often as possible as a way to be accountable.

So join along if you would like, or just check in to keep me honest!

What's In a Name?

A few words about the title of my blog. 

It took me a while to figure out what to call it. First of all, most of the good ideas are taken, and some really weird ones are taken too (I was half tempted to look up some of them just to see what kind of crazy blogs used some of those domain names, but I digress). So I continued to brainstorm, but after my husband vetoed my last brilliant idea, “The Mediocrity Chronicles” (it was getting late); I realized I needed to do some real soul searching. What I came up with was, “Walking by Candlelight” and to my relief it was available!

But why this title? First, I think it’s pretty clear from my earlier post that I am a person of faith. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe in God. I believe that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world. I believe in, and try to live my life by, His words. But doing that is not as simple as it sounds. Life is full of “darkness”, whether that is trials, mistakes, or simply the unknown.

There are many places to find answers to help us in this darkness, but I believe only one place to find true “light”, and that is from God. There are times when I feel like that light is a raging fire: I can see the path ahead of me, and I know what to do. It brightens my life and fills me with hope. But more often, I feel I am following the light of a single candle.

 I actually think that is how God wants life to be most of the time. Not that He wants us to fumble and struggle in the dark, but He wants us to trust Him enough to take that step into the dark. Life isn't meant to be simply following a neatly laid out plan.  He created us as vibrant and diverse souls, to whom he gave the will to choose. His Gospel gives us the guiding principles, but the rest is up to us. Essentially, all we need is that candle. If we stay close to its light, he trusts us to find our way back to Him. His confidence in my ability not to botch this whole thing both frightens and inspires me.  

So I walk on, trying to follow the light, hoping to share it with others.

A Step Into the Darkness

First post!

I suppose an introduction is in order.
I’ll start by admitting that this post has taken me about…four years to write. Sitting in church four years ago, an idea popped into my head to start a blog. A place to share my thoughts, struggles, stories, and faith with the great big world of the Interweb. But no sooner did I try to start, then I found myself bogged down by the minutiae of blogging and a varied host of fears and insecurities and the blog idea was shelved temporarily.

Next came moving to Seattle, grad school for my husband, and the arrival of our third child. Needless to say, life has been very busy. However, over the years, that desire to start returned again and again. I even had times when I woke up in the night and scribbled ideas in a notebook, but in the end it always ended the same: fears, then second guessing, then more foot-dragging.

One of the big reasons behind my anxiety over starting a blog was the question: WHY?

Why write a blog? With all that is out there, what do I really have to contribute?  I have no vast knowledge or particular talent to share. My cooking and crafting skills are…well, let’s say, “under construction.” Who would ever want to read a blog about a very average person who is currently struggling to figure it all out?!

Then I started to think, I suspect we all feel like that “average person” some days. We all feel inadequate and hopeless at times. Our lives aren’t always “Pinterest- ready.” Normally those are the kind of things I make an effort not to share. But I decided take that proverbial “step into the darkness” and open my life to you; the good, the bad, and messy.  

Thanks for reading!
Diana

 **A couple of disclaimers**

1. I am not a writer, nor am I a spokesperson for my church. This blog will be more of a journal than journalism.
2. Grammar…well, let’s just say my use of grammar has been labeled  “creative.” But I welcome any help offered on that point.